Humor

Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere Dave J. Shelton

About Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere Dave J. Shelton:

This is the second installment in the series, and everything in here is even fresher, funnier and, as usual, straight to the punchlines. As with the first installment, you won’t find those cliched materials—that’s what the internet’s for. After all, time is so precious it should only be wasted wisely.
In this installment, you get memorable quotes, witty one-liners, and humorous short jokes on knowledge, wisdom, science, technology, time, intelligence, money, politics, government, relationship, marriage, love, relationship, beauty, health, success, etc. There are also materials to motivate and inspire you, so you know that it’s well, even inside a well (although, outside is obviously better). Some humorous but somewhat true definitions have also been included. Also, in order to aid understanding, keywords have been italicized.
Tom Willis, the fellow who is capable of the sublime in one minute and pure foolery in the very same minute, is back, and back with a bang. I couldn’t help but create more space for him in this installment. You also get to meet our new doctor, the one who took the hypocritical oat and, therefore, likes to make a meal (or mess, if you like) of everything.
Although this is not the go-to book for aspiring clowns, you can rest assured that the contents of this book will breathe new life into your talks, speeches, tweets, writings, etc.
This book is ideal for the young, the old, and the age-is-just-a-number crew.

Snippets from this book

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Don’t show bias: treat fools, idiots, morons, and nincompoops equally. After all, they’re all equally useless.
******
Once, a computer beat me at chess. Next time, I came fully prepared—with the right screwdrivers.
******
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool only than to speak and reveal the mouth odor as well.
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Don’t lie; you will never be able to do it better than the politicians.
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Fools: morons with the least number of brain neurons.
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Honesty pays, but crime pays faster.
******
My family was so poor…we rarely had enough to eat, never mind renting an apartment in the slums.
******
TOM’S FRIEND: There’s this designer shirt that costs 5,000 dollars; it requires no washing, pressing, doesn’t get wet, and has a lovely, permanent fragrance.
TOM WILLIS: And it has the money-back option in case of theft?
******
What a man can do, a woman can make him do it better.
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If a jobless man sleeps around, he’s just homeless; If a jobless woman does same, she’s a sex worker.
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Love all, but trust only dogs.
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Everyone’s born with greatness; the problem is, it typically goes out with the umbilical cord.

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The MisreadBible: Genesis by J. R. Eldridge

About The MisreadBible: Genesis by J. R. Eldridge:

A collection of twisted Bible tales from the warped mind of J. R. Eldridge. Drawing from his fascination with religion and mythology, Eldridge takes the reader on a journey from the creation of the universe to the arrival of the Israelites in Egypt in this blasphemously funny retelling of the Book of Genesis.

A lonely deity creates the universe in his mother’s basement and makes a little clay man who falls in love with his own rib. After the humans engage in some freaky angel sex, God decides to flood the entire world, saving only a drunkard called Noah and his family.

Once the humans have repopulated the Earth, God chooses one man called Abram, drags him from his home in the middle of the night, changes his name, and then tells him to kill his son, forming an everlasting covenant with him and his descendants.

Later, Jacob steals his brother’s birthmark, boinks his cousins, and comes up with an innovative way to breed sheep. He fathers a dozen kids including Joseph, whose brothers get tired of his dreams of grandeur and sell him to some shapeshifting Ishmaelites who take him to Egypt.

The author invites readers to look up the original verses to see how much of the absurdity comes from his warped imagination, and how much comes from the original stories.

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My Crazy (Sick) Love

About My Crazy (Sick) Love:

Amanda Loeb is a single, intelligent New York City attorney coming up on the eve of her thirtieth birthday. With a stable job, circle of supportive friends, and close relationships with her mother and sister one detail sets Amanda apart from others – she is a hypochondriac. Her medicine cabinet is home to a stock of medications sourced from an actively managed A-Z list of the best doctors in NYC. When Amanda meets Brian Marshall, a handsome and charismatic restaurant owner, her heart beats in undiagnosable somersaults. As their relationship develops Amanda learns the intricacies and complications love brings may be the cure-all ‘pill’ she needs to free herself from the affliction – for the rest of her life.

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The Joyful Noise

About The Joyful Noise:

The Joyful Noise is an exclusive collection of humorous short stories, jokes and quips to fully awaken the reader from a monotonous course of life to an absolute bliss of hearty laughter.
The author chose relatable themes of God, heaven, devil, hell, old age, new age, death, life, money, relationships, love, children, church, synagogue, prayer, funerals and light bulbs needing or not needing to be screwed into their sockets by certain numbers of folks or none at all.
Let us prey for a joyful noise – a giggle, chuckle or a guffaw, for God knows we need it.

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If Dogs Could Talk FOR KIDS by Jamie Skeie

About If Dogs Could Talk FOR KIDS by Jamie Skeie:

If Dogs Could Talk FOR KIDS was inspired by a real living parrot, named Orion. Orion is an African Grey Congo parrot. She was 17 years old during the last year of having her words documented. You are seeing a real look into a parrot’s vocabulary. For scientific reasons…the exact words she said, were documented, chronologically, from current to past. Some sentences from her vocabulary were left out of this book..to make sure everyone will enjoy reading it. If Dogs Could Talk features her complete vocabulary. This book will make you laugh out loud, and will make you question your own pet’s intelligence.

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Brain Vomit: Heavily edited stream of consciousness essays, memories, ramblings and short fiction

About Brain Vomit: Heavily edited stream of consciousness essays, memories, ramblings and short fiction:

Brain Vomit is an eclectic selection of hidden gems from the brilliant mind of Laura G. Hall. Laura provides us with a beautiful stream of consciousness that is hilarious, vulnerable, and insightful. Readers are given a front-row seat to the inner-workings of the human psyche.

The collections contained in this book are a tribute to how vital it is to take notice of life. Why do people annoy us? How much time are we investing in our relationships? Are we taking time to laugh, to experience, to love, to hope, to reflect? All these questions and more are answered in this wonderful collection of stories. A window into the mind, guaranteed to entertain and remind us to take time for the important things.

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A is for Adam: An Alphabet Book for Grown-Ups!

About A is for Adam: An Alphabet Book for Grown-Ups!:

The Forbidden Fruit.
Come on. Bite it. You know you want to.
The snake says it’s okay.
Eve says it’s okay.
You’re curious, aren’t you, Adam?
Bite it.
You bit it, didn’t you?
It’s all right; we all make mistakes. Paradise wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, anyway. From now on, you’ll have to make your own way. Just you and Eve and your trusty talking goat sidekick, Phil Collins.

The book of Genesis. How bad could it be? Take a bite and find out for yourself.

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Asshole: A Memoir

About Asshole: A Memoir:

Asshole is the vivid, heartbreaking, and harrowing true story that explores the depths of what life is like as an asshole. Some critics are saying this is the most important book since the Bible. Asshole is the kind of book that will change your life. If you don’t believe me, my third cousin from Jersey didn’t read it, and he’s still on heroin. My nan and pap didn’t read it either. Now they are both dead.
Buck Brennan spent his whole life living a lie, the same way gay people do before they realize they are gay. He tried to fit in and do things he thought normal people do like have manners, chew with their mouth closed, and not pee all over the toilet seat, but it never felt natural to Buck. Deep down inside he had this burning desire to talk during movies, wipe boogies on the couch, put empty milk cartons back in the fridge, and squeeze the toothpaste from the top. Even as small a child, Buck would find himself staring off into the distance in parking lots, longing for the day when he could someday drive his own car so he could take up two spaces. Buck spent forty years struggling with being an asshole. This is his story

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Welcome to Ludicrous by Virginia Henderson

About Welcome to Ludicrous by Virginia Henderson:

*FREE to download May 16th-20th*

All Aboard!

Allow me to be your personal guide to Ludicrous. A small town where things are not always what they seem and are often… ludicrous.

Take the butcher for instance. He’s a vegetarian. And there’s the exterminator, he’s positively petrified when it comes to bugs. Then there’s the mayor…

I invite you to follow along with Priscilla Pinwick, an uptight, rude and prideful woman, as she travels to this town. What could possibly go wrong?

Includes a free preview of The Beast, a gripping and intense thriller!

What other readers are saying:

“a great story and I would totally recommend it.”

“Couldn’t put it down.”

“It had a climax I loved, a double dose of girl power, character development that made me unexpectedly bond with Priscilla, and a sweet ending.”

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So Many Thrones: A Parody of A Game of Thrones

About So Many Thrones: A Parody of A Game of Thrones:

From the author of The Candidate in the Rye and a graduate of The Harvard Lampoon, this parody novel is a send-up of Game of Thrones, publishing just in time for the series finale. Download the ebook for free until May 12!

Before the HBO series, and before your friend who has never read a single fantasy series invited you over to watch, remember when you first read those famous words—“Is it just me or is it getting colder outside?”

When the King’s Right-Hand-Man is murdered, it falls to Sean Bean of Winterville to take his place in Camelot, where the blood pours like wine and climate change is a distant dream. Follow Cat Lady as she relies on the scheming Goldfinger to help solve a murder, her son Raisin-Bran as physical injury destines him for magical powers, and test-tube baby Juan Doe as he joins the Border Patrol, dedicated to denying climate change and preventing those awful Canadians from ever invading from beyond the wall. And now for the first time follow new point-of-view characters including George R. R. Martin himself as he struggles to preserve the artistic integrity of A Song of Ice and Fire against the demands of HBO executives hungry for syndication. Will he finish his epic series before it is too late? Will winter ever, eventually, at some point come?

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Spoons

About Spoons:

The tiny town of Spoons, South Dakota is, as the Americans would describe, ‘a one horse town’; the comments of the horse are not recorded. In his story, ‘Spoons’ a young Thai boy goes to live in a small American town with his father and American Stepmother. He and his Chinese friend not only have to cope with American culture but solve what seems to be the perfect murder.

Welcome to the town of Spoons.

Y’all come back now.

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OP SINGHANIA : NOT ONE IN A MILLION

About OP SINGHANIA : NOT ONE IN A MILLION:

An Autobiography by LoryPattanaik
The mesmerizing story of one man’s descent into personal toiling and then the quest for achieving opulence with a masterstroke in every episode of his life.
One dark road in the middle of the night of a sleepy village “Lailunga” suddenly was spotted with light with a spark in the eyes of an 8-year young boy to „DREAM BIG‟.
O.P Singhania dives and takes a close watch to his early life, effort,hardship, fortitude, luck and chance that eventually led him to become one of the Best C.A in Chattisgarh. The moving memoir of this O.P Singhania book is a recollection of his young days which is a good suggestive to the Malgudi Days set up in search of his identity. This journey is about himself as he painlessly takes the reader with him to witness that identity. The recounting of this emotional yet sentimental odyssey begins from Lailunga to Raigarh, Kolkata and finally ending at Raipur. He remembers his parents, teachers, family, relatives and most influential characters in this book, offering a tribute to all of them for being a part of his life. Adding colour to the plots are some of the pictures of that time. This segment covers the all early learnings and travels.
Compassionate, dramatic and deeply moving “NOT ONE IN A MILLION- An Autobiography ‟ takes readers to the roots of human behaviour – to the innocence, experience,kindness, and cruelty, love and hatred, struggle and victory with an extra flavour of humour and pathos added to life.

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Teaching Frankenstein: A Cautionary Tale

About Teaching Frankenstein: A Cautionary Tale:

Every student has a story…

But you won’t find it here.

Dark, profane, and absurd, this comedy follows the journey of a young teacher on a misguided adventure to resurrect dead dreams. After being let go from his first school, the nameless narrator finds himself at a tough urban high school ready to quit. He decides that the only way to rekindle his passion for teaching is through his favorite novel. It’s a decision that leads him on an unsuspecting journey where he discovers that teaching a book about monsters means dealing with his own first.

The story exposes the importance of friendship and the truth behind what it means to be a teacher. Based on real events, the novel parallels Mary Shelley’s 1818 classic, Frankenstein, and shows that 200 years later, humanity still struggles to identify the real monsters.

It’s a must-read for aspiring educators, teachers, and those struggling with adulting.

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JOKES : Collection of Best Jokes and Funny Short Stories

About JOKES : Collection of Best Jokes and Funny Short Stories:

In life the best ornament is humility; the richest wealth is wisdom; the strongest weapon is patience; the best security is faith; the best mental tonic is laughter. Live well, laugh often, love much and share God’s blessings. We all know that laughter is the best medicine, and this is true, Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

Read our collection of jokes and funny short stories. These jokes and funny stories are collected from different sources in the Internet. Download our book now, and laugh out those stress away.

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Detective Schizoaffective

About Detective Schizoaffective:

Is Jameson Theodore crazy, or has his will been simply torn down over time, leaving him hopeless and confused? Who can he trust if he can’t even trust himself? The only way to know for sure is to examine the craziness within.

At 35 years old, Jameson is battling a major depressive episode after experiencing a bout of mania he never saw coming. Worst of all, he’s forgotten what to hope for. Driven by a few chance encounters and an investment opportunity of a lifetime, Jameson takes a leap of faith and finds himself soaring toward a new beginning. The sudden control he has over everything is intoxicating, but it comes with a harsh consequence. Faced with the threat of throwing away his whole life, and his family, Jameson has no choice but to go all-in.

As Detective Schizoaffective comes alive, a story within a story unwinds and the journey toward universal purpose intensifies with each twist and turn. The investigation leads to a shocking truth, and it’s one that Jameson will have to live with forever.

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Bird Brains by Jamie Skeie

About Bird Brains by Jamie Skeie:

Bird Brains is a colorful book, that showcases animal intelligence. An African Grey Congo parrot, Orion, was observed in her home for a year. All of her words were documented, and written down, word for word. The complete list of Orion’s vocabulary is available to be viewed in two other books. These books are called, If Dogs Could Talk and If Dogs Could Talk FOR KIDS. Bird Brains takes a deeper look into her thoughts, and showcases the meaning behind her words. You can study this parrot’s cognitive intelligence, by seeing her comprehend grown up things. She responds with perfect timing, when she talks. Orion was 17 years old, when her words were documented. She learns new sentences, everyday. Imagine what Orion will say over the next 40 years… Orion has her own children’s book series about her, too. The series is called, Orion the Star. The book series is about a superhero parrot, who flies from Orion’s Belt, to save all creatures in distress. Orion also has trusty sidekicks, to help her save the creatures. These superstars are named Canis Major, Canis Minor, and the Purple Purse Merman. Bird Brains will make you smile, laugh, and feel good. It’s a must-read, for everyone!

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Novak: A Standalone Romantic Comedy Novel

About Novak: A Standalone Romantic Comedy Novel:

Belly laugh your way to shredded abs with Novak, a standalone romantic comedy novel about a Slovenian shepherd searching for love in California, inspired by modern classics like Borat and There’s Something about Mary.

After a string of disastrous dates, Mary concludes that Solvang, California, is full of freaks and nutjobs. So she heeds her friend’s advice and signs up to a dating site. One dreamy man of mystery catches her eye: a hotshot special agent named Tristan Drimov.

Meanwhile, Novak, a smalltime shepherd in Slovenia, learns a brutal lesson when his wife cheats on him with the most notorious herder in town. His life in shambles, Novak has no one to turn to but his estranged grandfather, Oleg. The unorthodox old life coach quickly helps his grandson’s life go from bad to dreadful.

Looking for love and a sliver of hope, Novak signs up to a dating site. He meets Mary and they instantly hit it off. Finally, their luck is changing … for the worse. Unbeknownst to them, privacy has been compromised and they’re about to be pitted against the scheming adult film producer Mary was once married to, as well as a desperate actor who looks just like Tristan Drimov. The juvenile son of Mary and her ex is also drawn into the tangle.

In a world that’s churning out false truths and absurd role models, Novak is the hilarious, heartwarming story about finding love and keeping it. Like love, Novak knows no bounds.

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Naan of Your Business

About Naan of Your Business:

In this hilarious take on the modern-day detective story, Frank “The Comeback Kid” Davenport has made a cozy living finishing arguments for people too embarrassed to speak up for themselves. But when a beautiful young woman hires him to tell off her dad, he quickly discovers that this job will be unlike any he’s had before. If he’s going to finish it, the unlikely sleuth will have to hunt her father down himself. The only problem? Ruthless killers are also looking for him, and now Frank is in their sights. His only hope is to find out why the dad skipped town before Frank’s life, career, and floundering love life are ruined.
Fans of Douglas Adams and Christopher Moore will love this uproarious thrill ride.

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The Famous Union

About The Famous Union:

Adult humorous fiction
Famous Union College is a slow moving train wreck, a place where what is what is not.

Two hapless heroes.

An exhibitionist secretary.

Bumbling administrators.

A paranoid football coach.

Conniving coeds.

A sex obsessed football player.

Who knows what will happen next…

“The characters are all interesting and well developed – and many would be great study cases for a psych major.” – HAMPTON REVIEWS

“It’s light and humorous with a bit of a wink and a lot of wry puckish humor.” – Pop Bop, Top 500 Amazon Reviewer

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Shrink Unwrapped By Joel L. Schwartz

About Shrink Unwrapped By Joel L. Schwartz:

To treat patients using psychoanalysis, psychiatrists must first undergo their own analysis. And Dr. Jacob Fink plans to coast through his own stint on the shrink’s couch as quickly as possible. After all, there’s nothing wrong with him! But soon, his forty‑five minute sessions unearth long‑buried struggles that are both profound and profane.

Can a three‑year‑old who was unable to sit still on his carpet square in nursery school and constantly joked his way through his schooling ever be successful in life?

Can listening to a weather forecast be dangerous to your health?

Can a boy get a venereal disease just by thinking about girls?

How can you get fresh semen stains out of white linen pants and beat a traffic ticket?

Jacob is on his way to a breakthrough when something unthinkable happens and he now has to dig deep to unwrap the last of his inner struggles and finally grow into the therapist he knows he can be.

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