“Go save your Grandmother.” With those words, Red Hood races off to the Emerald Forest cruise ship to rescue her grandmother – and her inheritance – from a gigolo. An emerald necklace, woodsman, wolf and a night with liquid chocolate and whipping cream all make for one memorable cruise.
Hildy, Susan, Cindy, and Dara don’t have a stitch on—which might be okay if it weren’t for the fact that these girls are at school. This erotic comedy begins when the four of them enact a plot to shock their elite, stodgy college (and fulfill the exhibitionist fantasy of their leader, Hildy) by running naked across a stage during a student assembly. Every detail’s planned for a perfect execution of their nude streak. They’ve even worked out how to hide their identities to avoid any nasty repercussions. On the big day, everything goes flawlessly—well, almost. It’s the tiniest of overlooked factors that throws a monkey wrench into the works and leaves these girls with no way to get to their clothes…and with a student body in hot pursuit of the bare-ass coeds who are suddenly putting on a reluctant, extended nudie show for their classmates.
Wiseguy Chio Pino is assigned to protect the mob boss’ daughter, but she wants more than his protection. With her cleaver-wielding father on his ass, Chio’s problems are growing like his penis when he lies. Can he resist her advances, or will he lose his man part and his heart?
Perry Brambles, a cynical, often suicidal, opinionated London Journalist will learn about leadership, companionship, and, of course, love on at least two post-apocalyptic worlds in the course of saving the Earth from a devastating decree. Total annihilation.
When the sky is ripped by a commanding voice with the grim verdict, that the Intergalactic Affairs Committee has declared the Earth unsalvageable and a danger to the universe, people shudder, shake and fall to their knees in prayer.
But not Perry, who’s desperately trying to finish his copy for the morning news and can’t really be bothered by some ‘blithering pain in the ass omnipotent being from another galaxy, universe, dimension, or what-have-you.’
After voicing his comments, rather descriptively, he’s whisked away to another planet and tasked with educating Earth’s cumulative leadership in order to guide them to a better understanding of their duties. And it is here that Perry discovers the truth about nature, and human nature, and all nature, really. And at the end of the day, what truly matters are peace, happiness, acceptance, children, love, and…. dusting.
Heart Shaped: a collection of short romances is a tasty assortment of ten stories on kindle that will appeal to the commuter, the romantic, and the reader at the beach. Sugar and spice flavor the 7 meetups, 2 marriages and 1 quirky comedy, offering a variety of settings. Fast fun sampler served with humor from the award-winning author of The Gift Counselor. Ideal for summer reading or gifting. Affirms that love can begin or begin again anywhere!
With his new girlfriend – a soccer mom with a taste for bondage – urging him to “go condo,” failed screenwriter Winfield Payton needs cash. Accepting a job offer from a college friend, he becomes the lone white employee of a black S&L. As the firm’s token white, he poses as a Mafioso to intimidate skittish investors and woos a wealthy cougar to keep the firm afloat. Figure-skating between the worlds of white and black, gay and straight, male and female, Jew and Gentile, Yuppie and militant, Payton flies higher and higher until the inevitable crash. . .
“it’s hip and fresh writing which could easily become a HBO series….”
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Hayward Templeton, a psychiatry grad student at the University of Iowa, grudgingly agrees to pitch in a co-ed baseball game. A stickler for research, he discovers online how to throw a screwball and excels at it. Hayward’s team wins and while celebrating, they accidentally drop him on his head. As he lies on the ground unconscious, a few teammates discuss an upcoming psych quiz. Hayward unknowingly soaks it all in. When he comes to, he begins experiencing bizarre mental disorders — on his way to the big leagues as a screwball pitcher. Screwball is as screwball does.
Ever wondered what parenting is *really* about? Bored of the academic dry books? Fear not! Grumpy Dad brings you the satirical but truthful guide to what babies and children actually do and how you can prepare yourself. From nappy practice involving korma and a cat, to entering secure area’s in airports and strip-searches, there are many practical steps you and a training partner can undertake.
Perfect for new parents (or grandparents!) with a sense of humour, Grumpy Dad utilises real experiences to explain those aspects your ‘parenting experts’ omit in their $40 books.
No children or animals were harmed in the making of this book.
If you really like to bet on tennis at all levels, from the most professional level to the least televised tournaments,then you should read this book. It is a book that is based on a strong strategy, with an aggressive approach to live tennis betting.
With all the years of experience accumulated betting tennis, I discovered the way to make money in a safe and intelligent way.
Despite being a short book, it is straightforward in terms of strategy. Everything is well detailed in the book, from the strategy to take live betts and lines, to all the recommendations regarding bankroll management, questions related to the method and my point of view as a bettor.
I personally was in charge of writing the book, I wanted to share all my experience with this method and betting strategy for live tennis. This book, more than a text, is a tool for those who want to win in tennis.
Do you wish someone would say what your job is really like?
Well, that’s what we’re doing for the retail profession!
We are going to take you on a journey in the life of a shop assistant. Starting with the interview, which has nothing to do with working in a shop, and ending with retirement… If you make it that far!
The life of a shop assistant is vexing, tiring and very unpredictable. Laugh with us as we talk you through the funny side of the retail profession.
After the last 17 years spent making strange noises in various radio stations, Al Shield aka ‘Almigo‘ has found himself in plenty of unusual adventures both in and outside the studio. In this collection of tales from his radio and life’s journey find out how he ended up pouring cockroaches all over a woman in a bath tub, got confused for a local hardened criminal, ended up driving the world’s worst wedding limo and almost managed to impale himself with a broken ice cream scoop on Valentines day.
The world of Other Place is filled with elves, men, ogres, trolls, dwarfs and goblins, lots and lots of goblins. Many goblins live in the Kingdom of the Goblins, but far more live in caves and crude settlements scattered across their world. They pull pranks and set traps in the fine goblin tradition while doing their best to avoid the consequences.
At times goblins get caught up in wars, revolutions and disasters. They run in fear from such events, as goblins know being brave often leads to being dead, but sometimes they can’t get away fast enough. Small, weak, stupid and just a bit crazy, they should be crushed underfoot when this happens…except they’re not.
Facing an army of criminals and thieves, goblins aren’t running. Instead they find friends to stand with them, be they revolutionaries, holy men, wizards or heroes. They steal powerful weapons that can tip the balance in their favor. Strangest of all, they set traps big enough to catch armies. Goblins are standing up for themselves and their friends, and Other Place will never be the same.
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It was just a piece of paper…
The monotony of Everly Thyme’s boring predictable life is interrupted when an invitation to dinner arrives at her door from a venomous distant Aunt. Why not go she figured? After all, Aunt Legoria might have the answer to Everly’s most burning question.
How much havoc can one rose and aspirin cream scented piece of paper possibly cause?
Fighting monsters that shouldn’t exist probably didn’t top the list.
Will Everly make it home from dinner in one piece?
The devil only knows…doesn’t he?
Welcome to Bonhomme Maine, leave your logic in the car…you won’t be needing it here.
This is the prequel to the Tails from Under Where Paranormal Comedy Mystery Series
Fantasist, push-over and all-round crap father: Jeremy Adler’s an inspiration. For scandal, treachery and blackmail.
Fleeced by his ex-wife, oppressed by a narcissist boss and ridden over rough-shod by a two month old infant, Jerry might have thought he’d been keeping the peace but, the tide of resentment is turning against him.
Fighting for his job, control of the bank statement and, ultimately, his life, Jerry’s got problems and they’re about to get a whole lot worse.
Breakdowns and break-ups, manipulation and thievery, green-eyed phoneys and unscrupulous deals. Pretending to be someone else just won’t cut it this time and featuring on the late evening news as: missing, presumed murdered, is only the beginning.
With adult themes, ‘It’s Killing Jerry’ is the head-hopping tale of Jerry’s desperately funny demise.
Usual Price $2.99 – Special Promotion Price $0.99
What do Santa’s Sidekick, a dead lawyer and a geriatric vampire have in common? Meet Mina Kitchen–a forty-something single who finds trouble quicker than she can whip up a batch of breakfast breads. Plural. Her catering disorder runs neck-and-neck with her weird luck, and her cat’s weirder tendency toward gnawing elf gear. Okay, and getting kidnapped a couple of times in one week is a little strange, too.
Her next door neighbor Vito’s past as ex-leader of the Moils, the Jewish-Polish Family from Bumville, New Jersey, comes to light and throws a dollop of dilemmas into an already simmering plot.
Top it all off with a counterfeiting ring, a county-wide dearth of holiday wrapping tape, and a mass of pets running loose at the local mall, and what do you have? A recipe for disaster that Mina whips to a froth.
If you’re looking for funny novels for women, packed with humor, cozy animals (in the guise of pets) — and recipes — look no further. The second book in the hilarious Mina Kitchen Comedies, Christmas Bizarre will keep you smiling when you’re not shouting up a belly laugh. It delivers a LOL tour of Lancaster, “Pee-Ay”, where you’ll discover a lively cast of characters, funny dialogue and lots of twists and turns.
Do you like funny fiction with a hint of thrillers, mysteries and suspense? Download Christmas Bizarre NOW! Chock full of delightful surprises, this cozy mystery closes with a bonus section of free recipes, inspired by the story and vetted by Lund’s chef husband, for your own culinary creation and consumption.
AMAZON READER REVIEW: “…feel of Jerry Seinfeld meets Catch 22 while watching a Pink Panther movie. I will be looking for more from Ms. Lund.”
`This is a life where you have to take what you can when you can while you can – because you can’t take it with you.’
So believes Ealing Broadway. 42 and bankrupt, the consequence of highly dysfunctional parents who insist he’s adopted.
`Life’s a balance of one’s expectations and the budget available,’ he says and he was on a pretty tight budget both financially and emotionally already. `My economic “outlook” must not look good. I’d spent most of my money on booze, drugs and Eastern European prostitutes. Why? Well, for one thing, Eastern European prostitutes are a lot better educated than the local prostitutes from the West…’
Caught in a hilarious web of mistaken identity, adultery & blackmail that slowly unravels with disastrous consequences, The Sundial Salesman is the gritty, autobiographical account of morally vague Ealing Broadway and his sex-depraved boss, the scheming, Mason Shimansky, CEO of one of the most powerful companies in the world and whom Broadway attempts extorting.
Only Shimansky has other plans for him.
`I need a reason to leave my wife,’ Shimansky tells him.
`Won’t you wife be annoyed?’ Boradways asks.
`Probably, no doubt, she usually is,’ Shimansky said.
`That’s very complicated, even worse, what if she forgives you – what then…?’ Broadway wonders as Shimansky outlined his plan.
Can Broadway help prevent a young woman’s death and redeem his own seamy existence? All just a normal day in America’s downtown forgotten wasteland, Tokyo – a lot like Chinatown, only Japanese. If you enjoyed reading Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest and Bukowski’s Post Office, while there’s no suggestion there were any actual children involved in the above literary mutation, you no doubt will enjoy reading the savvy, punchy prose of The Sundial Salesman…!
AVAILABLE FOR FREE DOWNLOAD ON FRIDAY & SATURDAY 14 – 15 APRIL 2017
100 by 100 is a collection of 100 stories that are each 100 words long. Mathematically, that makes each worth 1/10 of a picture. Some of these 0.1 pictures are scary, some are funny, some are funny and scary, while others are just odd.
Gun violence, enemas, xenophobia, student loans, surreal humor, race wars, politics, millennials, technology, tweetstorms, and drugs are all explored in this collection of twelve stories about the troubled times we share.
In “Pedo Drew,” a man loses a bet and is forced to go around his neighborhood confessing to a terrible crime. In “Go Home Student Loans, You’re Drunk,” the author shares an e-mail he recently received from Nelnet services, the holder of 1/3 of America’s student loan debt.
In “Dear NSA,” a woman’s obsession with the NSA finds her writing love e-mails to federal agents desperately hoping for a reply. Gun violence is the topic in “Pay to Play,” a story about a corporation that matches older citizens with police departments so they can perform the role of volunteer law enforcement officer. “Tips for DEA Sex Party” is a slide show presentation telling DEA agents how to throw and attend sex parties.
“The Gastronomics of Brotherhood” journeys along the intestinal tract, as a woman named Clara receives e-mails from both of her brothers, who have been fighting it out for years over things that range from the benefits of enemas to philanthropy. “The Internet Kill Switch Fiasco” is a history paper written in the 2030s about social media gone wrong, the global loss of the Internet and its aftereffects.
“Feeding Governor Christie: A Love Story,” is a surreal piece about a couple arguing over an Instagram likes while stuffing the Governor of New Jersey and his distinguished guests. “Rest Assured: I Didn’t Sleep with Your Mother” is a letter to a man’s ex-girlfriend assuring her of his new positions in life. “From My Cold Dead Hands” is a serious piece about gun violence and paranoia in Texas.
The last wave of the silver tsunami has hit, and in the wake, the most free spirited generation in history is now bound to a nursing home. The narrative of Conversations with Baby Boomers in Nursing Homes follows memorable characters like: the Dark Shrewgar, Premrat Watanabe, the Blue Rinsed Ladies, Larry the Curmudgeon, and of course, Zombies on Level Three. This geriatric comedy novel redefines a generation that will never grow old, again. With cover-to-cover laughs, and chapters that demand re-reading, you will be quoting characters for years, and finding more humor in the everlasting quirks of those Baby Boomers around you.
When Jenny, an assistant restaurant manager at the local diner, witnesses Baby Boomers flocking to other new chain restaurants in town, her career becomes in jeopardy. Worse off, her father, Giovanni (Gio) has early onset dementia. One day, while going for a walk, he suddenly forgets where he lives, and ventures into the wrong townhome. His antics send a shock-wave through the townhome community, as he finds himself being questioned by the police with pants down, and no memory of what happened.
Jenny accepts a new culinary position with promising pay at the local nursing home, the Umbrella Tree Retirement Community. She has Gio admitted to the same facility, because Jenny can no longer keep up with his condition. Then, as Gio is settling in, he meets an old friend from work, Buddy, who introduces him to more residents and new experiences.
Gio talks to other residents and befriends a few, but not all hallways are friendly. He has ongoing confrontations with the terrifying Dark Shrewgar: a chain smoking, black muumuu wearing, tinted sunglasses sporting, heavy breathing woman, who lights her cigarettes with her oxygen supply. Gio also visits an inspirational speaker, Premrat Watanabe, who only makes sense to those that want to believe, but not to others. An honorable mention belongs to Clover, a true hippie who never left the nineteen sixties, and likes to eat special cookies while talking to Mr. Toadypus. These are just a few of the strange and quirky residents that Gio and Jenny encounter at the Umbrella Tree Retirement Community.
At the end, a gathering combines the most memorable characters in the nursing home into one giant, collective frenzy. Will Gio escape the persistent Dark Shrewgar’s advances towards him? Will Gio find humor in life itself because of the residents, and not in spite of them? Can Jenny keep her job at the Umbrella Tree Retirement Community without going completely bonkers? Will Jenny ever catch a break? Read to find out!
Chrismarie Todmore, with her Master’s Degree in Baby Boomer Psychology from the University of Mom and Dad, sends you on an exciting, wacky trip to the nursing home you will never forget. Assisted living meets its match with the Baby Boomer standard, “This is how you should do it, but I’m not going to do it that way!” Whether you are a Baby Boomer, Millennial, or anything in between, Conversations with Baby Boomers in Nursing Homes will remind you to laugh in the present.
Meet Mina Kitchen, a forty-something single who likes to cook – and cook and cook. In fact, her zest for whipping up trays of canapes is dwarfed only by her weird luck and mountain-lion size tabby cat, Vinnie. That, and her godmom’s tendency for blackmailing new members into joining St. Bart’s. Okay, maybe Mina’s Swiffer-addicted neighbor, Vito, is a bit weird, too. As if all that wasn’t enough, Mina’s a Jersey girl transplanted in the midst of the Amish-flavored countryside of Lancaster, PA.
Things get really complicated when she learns that her neighbor Vito is in a witness protection program, and her dry cleaner deals in prescription samples. Throw in a few mysterious flaming feces flingers and a fuse box labeled in Arabic, and you have a recipe for catering disorders.
Kitchen Addiction! will keep you smiling when you’re not laughing-out-loud. Set in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, you’ll find a surprising cast of characters, funny plot twists, red herrings and actual recipes. Well, some of the recipes are real. The others you might to take with a pinch of salt, and some Tums.
If you’re looking for a cozy mystery, packed with humor, chatty animals (in the guise of pets) — and a bit of suspense — look no further. Lund’s debut hilarious light hearted mystery blends delightful characters and great dialogue with a dash of zany mysteries and thrillers. This cozy comedy caper serves up frothy fiction that’s sure to amuse Kindle and paperback readers, alike. It also delivers a virtual tourist romp through the actual streets of Lancaster City and its surroundings.
A LAUGH-OUT-LOUD READ
“I cracked up throughout this book. If you are an animal lover or love to cook or have a neighbor in wit pro. This book is for you. You will fall in love with Vinnie like I did.”
FUNNY AND UNPREDICTABLE!!
“Absolutely fell in love with this book! The characters are interesting (and all have their own flaws). I never knew what was coming around the next page in the story. I couldn’t wait to finish the book so that I knew the who’s and why’s while never wanting the story to end. I can’t wait for the author to publish another novel!”