Thinking back to January 2015; I was on the couch with tears in my eyes. I sat and wondered how easy it was for my husband to just walk away from our children and me. I started dwelling on the pains of unfulfilled promises.
I began thinking to myself how everything just seemed to be so easy for him while I was all choked up with pain. I just couldn’t explain the situation.
‘Was he that heartless?’
At some point when no one else but me was home, I contemplated committing suicide. However, I knew that’s not what God would want me to do, so I restrained from it. I knew down deep in my mind that God had so much better in store for me even though my heart wanted everything else in me to give up.
I could not help but think about all the other women who knew that he was married, but just wanted to break our home.
‘What were they thinking of when they all had his children?’
I wondered why any of them didn’t care to think, “Would breaking up a family just be okay.” Now, that my pity-party is all over and I’ve dried up all my tears, I can think clearly. The realization of breaking up our family wasn’t on them, it was on him.
Even though I could see God’s blessings upon me and I shouldn’t have complained, the pain had taken over me. Forgiveness was very hard. I spoke often on forgiving the unforgivable, so I had to forgive him.
‘But how would I not have forgiven him?’ I had to. Mother’s Day was just around the corner, and my thoughts were running crazy. Thinking, I’d wish he would just call me, so I can ignore his phone call. I would say to myself, ‘I’ll ignore his calls’, but when he’d finally call, I would answer.
Now, he looks so happy and honestly, I always wanted him to be. I just didn’t understand because I would not have left my husband and our kids for another man. That day, that’s what my thoughts were. The next day, I may be great. No one knows what the following day would be like. I would try to take everything one day at a time. For me, it was just a cycle of confused, then happy. Then depressed.
I would try to stay positive and keep smiling. The thing is, whenever I smiled, my chest would hurt so bad so much it seemed like I was going to have a heart attack. I kept thinking ‘how could this be?’ How could this happen to me! I took Pride in my moral beliefs. ‘No way! No how! This is just all a dream.’ I thought to myself; ‘an illusion’.
Yes, a dream and I really wanted to wake up from it now. Wait! I can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping. This is not a nightmare.
Reality check; ‘my mother is dead, and I’m divorced. Well, life has to go on.’
So, I asked the Lord, ‘Father God, what am I called to be?’ What exactly is wrong with me? I know I need to let go. I’m outside of your Will, and I don’t like it this way. I can’t help what happened. God show me some truth to set me free from what I don’t want to believe even when I know it’s the truth’.
My thoughts on this situation— ‘many people are sick with the secrets they keep. Sometimes, you have to let it out—to God.’
I asked, ’God, why am I angry? What is the root of my problem?’ I said, ’God please, change me!! Show me what you need me to do and build me up for you.’
In my battles of forgiving, letting go and healing for the mind, heart, and soul. Here are prayers I gathered along the way. I hope this helps someone going through a situation that they wish had never come up.
Christine Walters is an American author, inspiring speaker and entrepreneur. She opened her life to the world when she released in April 2015, a memoir titled Ginny and Me: Reflections of What God Can Do. This book became a safe haven to people across the world who felt that they were alone; who felt no one in the world felt their pain. She has been interviewed and praised by numerous organizations for her open dialogue regarding mental illness and abuse. Christine provides encouragement for people who have been hurt from abuse, loss, and extraordinary struggles.
Published on Amazon US and UK. Published in Walmart. Published on Book Soup. Published in Mind Body Network for Natural Wellness, Relationships, Spirituality and Success. Published in the State of Virginia Library, Lee County, Florida, Library, Loudoun County, Virginia, Library and Buffalo, Erie County New York, Library. Published in Focus on Women Magazine. Publication review in Readers’ Favorite Book Review and Midwest Book Review. Received 5 star book review by The Kindle Book Review.